What’s a Pentecostal church without that one lady who takes everything too far? Spilled the milk this morning? Spiritual attack. The youth and children pastors are single? They need to marry each other. Match made in heaven. Diagnosed with cancer? Must be sinning too much. Have a little faith.
Church people, and everyday people, have some funny things to say about my ill state. I’m glad. Keeps things spicy. Like Pueblo chili peppers.
I’m a church person myself. Who attends a fairly pentecostal church. Who does all the church things. Thus, I’m allowed to commentate on some things people get wrong about the Biblio.
Here are three times “church people” have taken the Bible out of context. Or felt as if the church was the place to express their strange ideologies.
[Disclaimer: I’m not “offended” by these things. I think they’re funny, and I think being offended is for pansies. That is, people who are characterized as delicate, daisy-like flowers].
- The weight obsessed guy
Let’s start with a patron of my church calling me fat. It was the summer before I became very ill. I was discussing sports with this man. Sports that I played, or think I’d be good at. I mentioned my weight (which was normal and slim at the time). He made a face. Then started “teasing” me about how big I am.
There are some people who try to make jokes but aren’t funny. They keep trying to make their jokes funny. They dig a hole for themselves deeper than the craters on my acne scarred face. That’s this guy.
Let’s make it clear he wasn’t trim himself. He was probably 5’2” and weighed about 250-270 bls. But who’s comparing? Me. I’m comparing.
As the conversation was floundering, we made our way over to the church coffee bar before service. He made it his prerogative to ask the people in line to guess my weight. Uncomfortable situation. But my motto is “It’s only awkward if you make it awkward.”
Fast forward six months. I ran into the same guy after church. This time, I had been sick for the duration of about 4 months, losing 40 pounds.
“Wow, you’ve lost a lot of weight. You’re too skinny. You need some meat on those bones.”
Thanks, random guy who has a weird obsession with people’s weight. I’ll buy you a scale so you can have the pleasure of looking at your own weight each day. You’re welcome.
2. The “almost cancer” lady
Let’s move to situation numero dos.
“Can I pray with you?” said a short woman with glasses and a sweet smile. I was at church, and service had just ended.
“Sure!” I said, always accepting the offer of convos with the big honcho. The man upstairs. God.
After praying, she looked at me and said, “You just need to have more faith. I was having problems with my stomach. We thought it was cancer, but it wasn’t. So I just believed God would take it away, and He did. Every time my stomach starts to hurt, I just have more faith, and I’m okay. If you do that too, you’ll be well. My almost cancer went away with faith.”
Ah, the “almost cancer” people. These people are the same ones who think they’re dying when they have the sniffles. The ones who are convinced their mosquito bite is the bite of a rare, poisonous spider = Almost cancer people.
Ironically, this lady was the wife of the weight-obsessed man. Seems to run in the family. Along with the scale I’m buying her husband, I’ll add some Pepto-Bismol. With a book on good socialization practices. Also, for all her husband’s circumference measuring needs, I’ll tie it together with a fabric ruler.
However, I want to formally thank this woman for her advice. I’ll call my doctor right now for “faith” pills. We all know I’m just a heathen. Excuse me while I go sacrifice my cat to the medication gods.
3. The exorcist lady
Shortly after I had been diagnosed with seizures, I was at a church service. One of the leaders eagerly pulled me aside to pray “the demons out of me.” I didn’t have much strength to resist, so I sat there. She tried to pray the demon “out of my eyes” for thirty minutes. She gave up. She said that the demon would progressively leave over time.
Okay, Mindy, thanks for the advice. Her name wasn’t Mindy. But I’m not about to out her. That would be rude. Almost as rude as her assumption that I’m demon possessed. I’m not. Okay? Okay.
A little bonus for ya’ll. Here’s a general phrase people use when talking to me.
“You’re so inspiring. I don’t know how you keep going! I would have given up a long time ago.”
I wasn’t aware shooting myself would be socially acceptable. Thanks for the option. I’ll keep that in mind.
Jokes. Only jokes.
Welp, that’s all I have for today. There is no quixotic, faith-based, conclusion to this post. This was merely a pasquinade for your entertainment. You can, however, look up those two weird words I just used if you wish to be enlightened.